Is it "coping" or SELF-SABOTAGE?
On New Year’s Eve 2010, I found myself on the side of the road vomiting up the copious amount of wine I had drunk earlier in the evening. It was barely 10pm. Some nice people I hardly knew had offered to drive me home. I passed out on my couch and woke up to a new year feeling anything but new.
Instead, I felt like a total failure. I was exhausted mentally and spiritually. My spirit was deflated. I felt purposeless and stuck. I was overcome with guilt, shame, and embarrassment. Not to mention the terrible hangover - a not so stellar way to kickstart a new year. A year that unbeknownst to me was going to get even worse (I was going to get fired four months later).
Looking back now, I can see that my relationship with alcohol was unhealthy since the day I took my first drink. It was a way for me to “act out” and rebel against a pretty strict upbringing. It was a way for me to be someone else - someone who was fun, outgoing, and attractive. It was a way to be part of the “cool” group and feel a sense of belonging that I was so desperately yearning for. It was also a way for me to “cope” with a staggering lack of self worth, fear of not belonging, not feeling good enough, and my sister’s death.
And at age 37, I was using alcohol to numb my feelings about my separation and upcoming divorce. New Year’s Eve was a particularly triggering day for me because that was the day I got married. And NYE 2010 was the first one being separated. I clearly remember getting to the party and saying to myself that getting drunk would erase the pain of the day because who wants to feel pain! So I marched up to the bar and ordered two jugs of wine - yes, for myself! - and proceeded to drink (chug) them as quickly as possible. Dumb? Absolutely! Should I have known better as a grown-ass smart woman? You bet. But logical thinking is easy to set aside when you’re hurting. Doing the thing that’s going to support you most goes out the window when you don’t believe in yourself and when you don’t think you have the inner strength to feel the pain.
Instead…we self-sabotage, which is exactly what I was doing with the drinking. I chose to believe that erasing my feelings with wine was easier than admitting that I was feeling sad, hurt, angry, and lost. I chose to believe that getting drunk and shoving my feelings aside would carve out a path around the pain to the other side.
In the moment, drinking appears to work. But the next morning, and in the long run, it does not work. Not. At. All. In fact, it makes things worse.
What I’ve learned in the years since my divorce and getting fired, is that going through the pain, is how to get to the other side. There is NO WAY to avoid it, erase it, numb it out, leap over it, bulldoze it away, or dig under it. As I started to learn this lesson, I found myself saying,
“I need to get through the shit in order to get to the (good) shit”.
This became my mantra of sorts. It was a reminder that the only way to heal, to find myself, to feel confident and joyful and happy and purposeful was to slog my way through the tough swampy mud of pain, guilt, shame, resentment, anger, regret, sadness, and disappointment.
Let me tell you…this is NOT EASY!! There were days when slugging back a bunch of tequila seemed like the better way out. And…it’s condoned (and even encouraged) in our society. Drinking is the socially acceptable way to numb out, push aside our problems, and mask our true selves. I truly believed it was a coping strategy. Until I started waking up hungover on a semi-regular basis. Until I had a few scares (including getting pulled over at a checkstop and just barely blowing under the limit). Until I began to learn and experience the healing power of other strategies. Strategies such as exercise (I began doing Crossfit shortly after getting divorced), yoga, meditation, journaling, and building friendships with amazing, strong, healthy women. Going to therapy and working with a life coach helped me sit with my feelings, discover pockets of joy and happiness, get clarity on what was really important to me, reconnect with my self-esteem, and slowly build up my sense of self.
My relationship with alcohol improved, but the pull towards it still existed and from time-to-time I still found myself over-drinking and feeling like hell the next day (physically and emotionally). This pattern continued for years, and as hard as it is to admit, it didn’t stop until just a few years ago. There was one final incident that finally had me say enough is enough. It’s a story I’ve resisted sharing because there was a lot of shame around it for me. I’ve worked through the shame and have come to realize that shame keeps us silent. Instead, I want to share my story in the hopes that it will help others.
So here goes. To make a long story short, after a night of too much wine and way too much tequila, I tripped into a corner of my bedroom wall and gave myself a concussion along with an ugly gash on my forehead and a huge black eye (this was embarrassing to explain at a fundraising event I had to attend just three days later). The scar on my forehead remains — a permanent reminder for how I’d rather show up in the world now — sober and my own true self!
This last incident had me question the idea of “needing a drink”. I found myself going for longer and longer stretches of not drinking. I woke up on weekends without a headache. My skin looked better. My sleep improved. I had fun and laughed and enjoyed myself at get-togethers drinking sparkling water. One day I had the epiphany that I was being my TRUE SELF around people (not the self that came out through drinking), and I realized that I loved my true self! I was fun and talkative and energized without alcohol.
I realized it’s not about “needing a drink”. It’s about wanting to show up authentically and in integrity. It’s about feeling good in my own skin, doing all that I can to be healthy and strong, and being in control of my choices. Because heck yeah I will still enjoy a good drink once in a while (not much beats a margarita on the beach in Mexico or a glass of vino in a small Italian town). But I get to decide what I want. I get to decide how I show up. I get to choose what’s best for me…and stand behind my choice with conviction, confidence, and knowing that I am worthy of love and happiness no matter what. And there is nothing better than this feeling!
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